.don't need no candles and cake.

Haps and The Baby are two of my very best friends in the world, my spiritual sisters even though they hail from the verdant fields of California's Central Valley and I from the concrete paradise of the New York City housing projects. (We met in college.) If ever I need someone to lovingly question my sartorial choices, they're up to the task. When I get arrested and need someone to bail me out of jail at 5AM, they'll be on the top of my list of people to call. And if ever I need partners for a debate on the state of the modern world, they're always willing participants.

Witness this recent exchange on the deep meaning behind current radio smash "Birthday Sex," crooned by a one Mr. Jeremih. Why the unnecessary replacement of the "y" with an "ih"? You'll have to take that question to his mother.

Please tell me you've heard this song. Currently ranking number 17 on Billboard's Top 100 list, this lovely little ditty is an homage to sexual intercourse on the day of your birth, a passionate promise of a good time (a really good time) on your special day.

For those of you not yet in the know, check out his lyrics and video. You're welcome.

Anyhoodles, the other day The Baby, Haps and I spent quite a while discussing this musical gem over email. To whit:

(everything in hot pink italics are actual lyrics to the song)

Chommo: Can we take a minute, please, to discuss the lyrics to Birthday Sex? It came up on one of my Pandora stations and...cheese and rice!

The Baby: It is one of the worst songs of all time. Of all time ladies.

Haps: My favorite line is First I'm going to dive into that water DEEP/And taste just like hersheys. We should be song writers. I know you thirsty/Don't tap out!

The Baby: Tell me where you want /your gift, girl

Chommo: You say you want passion/I think you found it/Get ready for action/Don't be astounded/We switchin' positions/You feel surrounded

The Baby: How does one feel surrounded? This song makes no sense

Chommo: Good point, grasshopper. Because wouldn't it be his weenie that's surrounded? Or maybe he's talking about his arms surrounding the birthday girl? So confusing

Haps: It means he is covering her with his manhood.We work our way from kitchen stoves, and tables/Girl you know I'm more than able to

Chommo: Dudes, unless you have one of those electric stoves - the ones with no burners -- having sex on a stove would hurt like a motherfucker. And even then, what happens if, whilst in the throes of the making-of-the-beast-with-two-humps, you accidentally turn one of the burners on? Having sex on *my* stove would hurt. A lot. I'm glad he's confident in his abilities, though.

The Baby: RIGHT! Also, how many stoves and tables do these homies have??? We work our way from kitchen stoves, and tables/Girl you know I'm more than able to please, yeah. I LOVE THIS SONG!

Haps: At least it's not a viking.

Chommo: Maybe he works/lives in an industrial kitchen?  Also, he's a hard taskmaster. She needs to rehydrate, dude. Give her a break

Haps: She needs GATO*!!!!! Its like she is training for your half marathon**

The Baby: Training with a chef. He is totally a chef. Only way to explain the kitchen obsession. Gato! HAHAHAH!

There you have it folks - the reason we all went thousands of dollars into debt for the sake of our Ivy League education.

*Gato=Gatorade. Whenever Haps drinks too much, she runs around screaming about how much she needs Gato, and force-feeding it to everyone around her, even those that haven't had anything to drink.

**Yes, I'm training for a half-marathon. Expect to hear more about that particular torture soon.

© Chommo, 2009.